I started my week with Leo, and I’m ending it without him. Until the next whirlwind trip, at least– our only silver lining!
I’ve been pretty closed up about the pain of our long distance struggles. I find it easier to shut up and grind through law school than be vocal about the loneliness and isolation this lifestyle has brought. People don’t understand, and I am often forced to answer well-intended questions. When is he coming? When are you getting married? Where are you guys going to live? I wish I had an answer to these questions myself, but each one is a reminder that many decisions are out of our hands.
I often find that people, even well-meaning people, don’t take our relationship seriously because we are not physically together. It’s unconventional. Everything about us is unconventional, from the way we met to the way we stuck together, and the way we live now. It’s so unlikely, yet here we are. There is a tangible human out there that I adore with my whole heart, and I long to be with him and grow with him. Yet the logistics are seemingly impossible.
But! Good news! Despite starting the week with such a heavy heart, it was a wake-up call. I realized that I have become a slave to my own journey. For the past year and a half, I’ve viewed myself as a victim of circumstance with no control. I have imposed so many negative thoughts and limits on myself. I don’t know when I will see Leo again. I don’t know when we will get married. More importantly, I don’t know when we finally get to be together. While there is some truth to that, I very much do have control, and I am determined to take it back. I went from being tired to fiery. From exhausted to energized.
I put so much pressure on the end goal that I forgot how treacherous the journey was going to be. I viewed my journey through law school as a 3-year sprint instead of a marathon. I thought that becoming a lawyer was synonymous with complete independence (financials, career, etc.), and that I could simply grit my teeth for three full years while I waited for everything else to fall into place. That is not the Me I used to know and love.
The lesson? I became too ambitious about one thing. Survival Mode took over. I forgot that life happens, even during law school. And just for the record, this is so NOT a “life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans” thing because… Well, I wasn’t making any plans!! I was surviving day by day hoping for the best. I left too many decisions up to fate instead of grabbing life by the reigns and doing it myself.
I am officially Over™ waiting for things to happen in my life.
I hope that by sharing my energy, it will help you realize that you are also Over™ it and ready to make things happen. Let’s go make things happen together.
Stop reading here if you still want to like me after this.
I want our journey to shed light on the fact that elections and votes have very real consequences. This presidency has affected our lives in ways unimaginable. Leo is a trilingual engineer with a master’s degree and an amazing job. Yet, there are companies in this country unwilling to give him a visa because they are on lockdown, unwilling to be involved in this chaos. In the beginning, we thought he would have no problems finding employment here, even as an immigrant. And to think these are the struggles of a privileged, educated person trying to enter this country to be with his fiancee. This doesn’t even begin to cover those fleeing persecution, poverty, and corruption. I am upset with myself for suppressing these emotions for so long. The next time I am questioned about this topic, be prepared for a sermon. For the future of my marriage and family, I vow to be outspoken about inhumane immigration policies, even when it’s uncomfortable. There is no need to make an immigrant feel unworthy of living in this country. The location of one’s birth is pure luck, and that’s that. Being born in America makes no one superior.